I don't know.

And yeah, I thought I was going to NSCAD too.
I thought a lot of things that, in the last monthes
have been ripped away. And yet I hold on because,

what if....

give it up.
he doesn't want you.
they never do.


and I can't go. I won't go. whats the point?
i wasnt there for the school,
i was there for him. its all i wanted.
I dont think anyone really undwerstands that.

remember when you were depressed and you made art?
remember. believing?

whats there left to believe in


there is no art
because i havent got the time
i havent got anything to put
into words or colour
i don't even exist.


i try and talk to him
i try to be his friend
but hes full of lies
and he hurts me more than anything.
anyone who remembers the sccreams
is missing out.
there are no drugs
there is no hunger
there is no self inflicted pain
that will cover this.

so i just leave it
and let it bleed.
and scream and cry and.
sometimes.
i wish nine stories would be enough to do damage
it could pose as an accident.
a drunken stumble off the railing people so often perch on.


i dont think anyone knows what "this aint a scene, its a goddamn arms race" means
do kids even understand what an arms race is?
prolly not.
this world is pretty
fucking depressing.

ellie j... she has anxiety.
chest pains, nervous twitches. exposed bones
birght eyes, fading.
everything is always fading...

rambles from a mindless fool,
love and lust.

Ellie